Shall we talk about detachment?

Detachment was one of the first concepts I learned when I started to dive into the teachings of Buddhism and it remains one of my favorites to practice and learn.

While at the Vipassana retreat (you can read about the experience here ) I had my first deep question about how attached we are to things and why it doesn’t make sense. Mainly because we are nothing more than a pile of particles that are constantly changing. So what is the Self? And why this attachment to “what is mine”?

There is a liberating lightness when we begin to learn to let things go and let go feelings and situations. There is a liberating lightness when we learn to accept and simply observe things as they are.

BEING A DETACHED PERSON IS THE SAME AS BEING AN ALOOF PERSON?

NO! Thousand times no. Detachment is quite the opposite of apathy.

Years ago, when I questioned myself about detachment, two contradictory ideas visited my mind:

1. “I don’t want to be detached. How can I stop feeling this intensity and stop being enthusiastic about life?”
2. “I need to learn to detach now. I no longer want to get attached to people and situations and suffer so much for it.” – This point happened mostly when I was heartbroken 😅 who never was in this position before?

Later I learned that detachment is nothing like that. Practicing detachment we will continue to live with intensity and feel the enthusiasm of life, just as we will continue to suffer from small attachments, however, in that attachment there is the capacity or courage to let go, to let things go.

I notice my attachment and if it disturbs me I have the ability to let it go.

Detachment is not to be away from reality. We are sensitive beings to our surroundings and we must not reject it. We must not run away from what we feel, but rather live things as they are presented. We must let the feeling flow through ourselves without clinging to it, whether the feeling is good or bad.

HOW TO PRACTICE DETACHMENT?

Like everything in self-knowledge the process is simple, however, it does not mean that it is easy. It takes courage to learn to give up the past, things, people, and situations. Detachment, in my point of view, is the ultimate exercise of freedom.

DETACHMENT TO MATERIAL THINGS

My first step in this practice it was from detaching myself to material things, which in itself was a struggle. First, we have to admit to ourselves this attachment to things. You know that shirt that you have in the closet for a year and you don’t wear but you also don’t get rid of it? Attachment. Do you know how frustrated you are when you lose something? Attachment. Even when you have a sentimental value related to a certain thing. Detach yourself from it. Things are just things.

It is this attachment to “what is mine” that needs to be tackled. Due to my lifestyle, I was practically “forced” to practice detachment from material goods. And I admit that at first, it was difficult. I didn’t want to leave things that held so many memories behind. I didn’t want to leave MY things behind. But I kept practicing, I kept letting go.

The day I realized that there really was a transformation within myself, it was when my cell phone decided to spend all night in a glass full of water. It wasn’t just the cell phone, it was everything that was stored inside it and that I didn’t have a backup, hundreds of photos of my trips, contacts, notes, memories.

I felt that giant frustration appear and at the same time I thought “Maria. It´s just things.” and suddenly I was fine. I detached myself from it.

SENTIMENTAL DETACHMENT

If on the one hand letting go of material things is not easy, then prepare yourself for the practice of sentimental detachment. I started in this practice about a year ago. That’s when I really understood what it is like to not get attached to feelings. I repeat again – not get attached to feelings – we will always feel anger, sadness, pain, frustration. However, the secret is how quickly we get out of this state, and this is achieved through letting go of feelings.

I am forever grateful to the monk in Thailand who gave me this insight, and I will try to explain it to you in the simplest way I can.

The main idea to remember is that we are not what we feel, we are not our feelings. In this sense, we should treat the feeling like a visit. The monk in Thailand explained it to us as follows:

“When emotions arise, we can treat them as if we interview them:
Hello. What’s your name?
“Rage”
Where did you come from?
“…”
How long are you going to stay? “

 

Do you realize that there is a gap between the Self and the feeling?

When this distance exists, we let the feeling be what it is, we let the feeling flow in us and go. When there is an attachment to the feeling it is when we lose our ability to observe the feeling as something external to our Self. Then the feeling starts to control us, possesses us, and gets stuck in us because our mind has identified with it.

That is why there are people who suffer years for certain things. Because even unconsciously, they have created an attachment to pain. You may have noticed that, for example, when you are angry if you keep talking about it and feeding it the anger grows in you. There is a fusion between the Self and the feeling. But if you stop at the beginning and analyze what you are feeling, the anger will calm down until it disappears.

The secret is in the observation. When an emotion arises, we need to be aware of it, observe it without reacting, realize how it makes us feel, and gradually our mind understands this distance and does not become attached to the emotion. And the emotion in its time goes away because everything is impermanence.

I challenge you to whenever you remember to put this into practice. It is a profound exercise in personal development and very transformative.

LOVE KNOWS NO ATTACHMENT

So how can I feel detached from the people I love? Detachment is love. Attachment is another thing. In fact, I venture to say that attachment destroys love.

Nowadays people think being attached to someone is the same than love someone. Attachment is an ego’s thing. We want the loved one close to us above anything, sometimes even above that person’s will. In the end, and if we are sincere with ourselves, we are able to realize that this need to have the person close to us is a personal satisfaction, is a suppression of our need.

Love is detachment. Loving is when we want the person to be happy within that person’s dreams and wants, regardless of our will. Can you see the difference? Love lives in freedom. So if it is love it is detachment.

BE HAPPY

The practice of detachment, despite being challenging, is one of the most transforming paths for your personal development, for your self-knowledge and for a happier life.

You can own things but don’t let things own you. You can live in the world but don’t let the world live in you. Everything changes in every instant, everything is fleeting and in this sense, any attempt at attachment is a game over from the beginning.

Let it go and be happy!